Saturday, September 8, 2012

Old news...


Opening ceremonies:

I just don't understand why they've got those kids in their bed clothes.

The commercials are more entertaining that this.


Grandpops gonna drive me to grey hair.

You don't even try to tailgate me Buttster.

Nice ended back on the deck.
Nice ended at the pier.


Green Tea:

It's tee-e, so I add sweetener.  If not, it's kinda like hay.

Spelling and speaking


Nascasc Car

The cat glared at the dog:

The cat glazed at the dog.

Speaking of heated and cooled seats in her car:

It makes it feel like mint...on my butt

Saturday, September 1, 2012

"I have my own language"

Blue herring or harents....for a Blue Heron
Brash on...for Vashon

Says that different people speak in different dialecks
Talking to the Dogs

While driving through traffic and curves:
"hang on to your balls everyone!  oh wait, none of you have balls"

"Pixie.  Remember the homeless people?  they thought you were cute."

Experiences while driving:
A person riding a bike the wrong way on the freeway "I don't think that's legal, or safe."
More bike riders, this time 12-15 riding together "That's stupid!  I hope some semis blow them over."

At a drive thru. There was one car at the window in front of us and it was taking a long time.
"You got your drink, you got your bag, now get the hell outta the way you old bag!  She better be getting something else out of that window"

It's September...

I've gotten really behind, a combination between traveling through all the western states besides Hawaii and Alaska and my mom never stops with her ridiculous comments!  I can't keep up.  These next few posts unfortunately won't be chronological, but rather somewhat of a montage of quotes and stories.  Enjoy.

July 24

Me: We should cut Pixie's tail hair.
Mom: No!  Then you could see her butt hole.

My mom meant to say Bill Engvall but she said Ingleballs instead.

While driving behind an old man:
"Grandpops, you're gonna drive me to grey hair."

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

July 22nd Part 2

We traveled the rest of the day to Arizona.  After of course my mom panicked and when entering the freeway and said "Which way do we go?  North or South??"  She was getting short-tempered with the dogs, especially Pixie, and her whining.  My mom threatened "just take a frickin chill pill or i'll give ya a pain pill" to sedate the animal.

Because I have been in school and so busy with everything, so I haven't been able to keep up with the news.  On the drive, my mom was concerned about the smog/smoke/etc in the sky.  It looked fine to me.  This is the conversation that transpired:

Me: Is that fire still burning in Colorado? (Nothing to do with the "questionable" sky)
Mom: Yeah, it's a Mega Fire.
Me: Hmm...okay
Mom: Look at the smoke!
Me: We're in Cedar City

My mom thought that there was smoke from the fire in Colorado... in Cedar City.

The dogs began whining, a sign my mother explained that we needed to stop and walk them.

Me: Mom... I just walked them.
Mom: Well, they were not walked properly.

Bobby ventured off and sniffed what appeared to be human poop.  My mother said to him "Bobby!  What the hell is wrong with you? Get out of that!"
At the same moment, a car exited the interstate and a questionable-looking man got out.  My mom said to me "Wonder what that guy is gonna do.  Take a big old dump?"

Stopping often for the dogs really slowed the trip down.  My mom's take on it was "We'll be like the pioneers, took us a month to get there because we had to stop every 5 miles."

My mom also had her opinion on Joe Paterno and the scandal at Penn State:
"Fraterno...he could have been the hero"

Her other opinions have support:
"I'm basing what I'm about to say off of what I've heard on the History Channel"
"He was highly educated, highly smart"

Monday, August 6, 2012

July 22nd Part 1

The night before we found a "cozy" if you will Super 8 Motel to stay in in Southern Utah.  My mother was less than pleased, especially since there was an "A-rab" who checked us in at the front desk.  All I really care about when it comes to hotels is whether or not there was a free breakfast.  My mother was convinced there was not a complementary continental breakfast at the hotel.  And if there was, she was convinced it would not be worth eating.  Hmm.  So that Sunday morning when I woke up, before saying "Good Morning" or "How are you", my mother interrupted my prayers (literally) by exclaiming "If you eat that food down there you'll get frickin food poisoning from the frickin A-rabs." And she was serious.  So I got my prepackaged yogurt and asked if she thought i would get food poisoning from the A-rab prepackaged food.  She was less than pleased and declined comment.  I however was not hungry and freaking freezing, because the AC was on in the room and it was 60 degrees.  All night.

We made our way to church.  Right before the closing hymn, this is the conversation we exchanged:

Mom: Would you feel bad if we left?
Me: It's up to you.
Mom: No, it's okay, I'll feel bad.
Me: Okay.
2 people get up to leave.
Mom: Oh forget it, let's go!

We promptly went to the McDonald's drive-thru, since the A-rabs didn't have a Sausage Egg and Cheese McMuffin for my mother.

When we got back to the hotel, while my mom finished her McMuffin, I walked her dogs.  While they were pooping she said "Oh great, I hope we're not going to need a sink" What?! A sink... what the...

Sunday, August 5, 2012

July 21st

July 21st we left Idaho Falls and drove to my friend's place in SLC to drop off my car, then drive together in my mom's car to

Here are some of the highlights...

We went to Chick-fil-a.  For my mom's DOGS to get dinner.  They enjoyed some grilled nuggets. Guess that is good since one of them has a heart condition...Ridiculous.

We almost ran off the road, because my mom "wasn't sure" where the road was.  We were on I-15.

We argued about whether or not we'd be driving through Las Vegas...
"It's just totally out of the way..."

Every 5 seconds my mom would say "OH LOOK!! Water!  A farm! Wow!"

She was keeping her charts (maps) in a vanilla (manila) folder.
She was using the GP (GPS) for navigation.

She sang 99 9 99 9 99 9 thousands of miles on the wall....

And she wondered if dogs and cats from the South bark and meow with accents...

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Mom's Concerns for Bobby's Bowels

Bobby is my mom's chihuahua. Bobby's mom is Pixie Jane. "Bobby had to poop so bad but never said a word. He didn't even make it to the dirt, he pooped as soon as he got out if the car. Pixie whines when she has to go. She gets whatever she wants. When the dogs were sharing water: "Bobby gets the scraps of everything. Pixie's leftover spit. He's like tiny Tim, he's even got the deformed hips."
This blog was inspired by the things my mom said after the the first few hours of our trip to Arizona after my Graduation from BYU-Idaho in July of 2012.  She has always been known for saying ridiculous things.  I don't know how long I'll keep this blog going, right now it's just to keep me occupied and to share with my friends the funny stuff my mom says.  I usually just send a text out when my mom says something funny, but this way I can just update the blog and more people can enjoy the ridiculousness.   I'll be updating from my phone, so please excuse any errors.  Leave some feedback so I know if it's funny and worth continuing.